Attachment Success

I have this really awesome therapist. I’ve been seeing her for years now. The first time I saw her I bluntly informed her that I didn’t want to know anything about her life. I had just removed myself from a bad situation with a previous therapist. The previous therapist and I struggled with a considerable amount of “enmeshment,” transference and possibly counter transference. I may never truly know what went wrong in that relationship but I do believe she did not maintain the proper boundaries on issues I needed her to. I’m learning to realize the previous therapist is human and continuing to resent her for my pain is only hurting me. That therapist had been preceded by a therapist who had done the SAME thing and mixed things up even more by befriending me then rejecting me. (Or so it felt.) I have since, with the help of my current therapist, healed many of those wounds and come to a new understanding about relationships. By the time I walked into my new therapist’s office I was distraught and pessimistic about therapists in general. She has made all the difference, though. She has been incredible with creating the right boundaries and safe relationship rules so I can find safety and healing in her office. Recently, I feel like our relationship is changing a bit. Until the last few months it was been very separate. It has always been full of respect, nurturing, challenge, and encouragement but void of any of the therapist’s personal life. I lead a group where I see some of her clients and we have been very careful NOT to discuss them. Lately, some of the boundaries are softening and maybe even starting to shift. Last night we both went to an event where one of her clients / my friend was speaking. My therapist and I aren’t “besties” by any means but there was a bit more connection. She is a wonderful woman and VERY good at her job. I appreciate her as much as anyone EVER in my life. I rely on her to guide me into my self knowledge and confidence. Not generally in a dependent manner but I would definitely be sad if she left my life for any reason. I know I would survive though. And there’s the difference!!!!! When the two previous therapists were removed from my life, I thought I was no longer a valuable person anymore and would rather avoid life all together. When I initially started to feel this “softening” of lines with my current therapist, I completely freaked out! I refused to admit there was any kind of a change and jumped into denial. I did not want to deal with the same situation again. Much of this change though, I have instigated. I am “joining her circle” a bit professionally and am not willing to change my life’s direction to avoid her. (Plus…. Why would I?! That doesn’t make sense. I’m in therapy so I can break free of the control placed on me by other people not just shift the control to my therapist.) And trust me… it’s a very minor shift. I actually wonder if she even knows it’s happening….. but then I remember that she is very good at her job. Hhhhhmmmmmm. It started with a bit more information about her personal life, then maybe a text message when she previously would not have replied, then a story about her daughter. Next, she was offering me some direct and personal encouragement along with re-assuring me that she likes me as a person and enjoys our time together. Last night at the event, she solicited two hugs from me and chatted very casually on the way to our cars. I know this doesn’t sound like much but for me it is! And I wasn’t freaked out! It was perfectly fine and comfortable. (At least for me.) This is healing. This is a complex relationship that is WORKING! My abandonment issues in the past have led me to overly attaching to people. I tend to put people on a pedestal and let them replace God in my life. I have previously looked toward women slightly older than myself for approval and identity. I do not see my therapist in this way, though. I see her as someone I like very much but as completely separate from me. She does not dictate my life, choices, actions or identity. She adds to my life synergistically. I am very thankful to her and celebrate this as a victory in my recovery. No person will ever “complete” me, because I am enough just the way God made me.