Attachment Success

I have this really awesome therapist. I’ve been seeing her for years now. The first time I saw her I bluntly informed her that I didn’t want to know anything about her life. I had just removed myself from a bad situation with a previous therapist. The previous therapist and I struggled with a considerable amount of “enmeshment,” transference and possibly counter transference. I may never truly know what went wrong in that relationship but I do believe she did not maintain the proper boundaries on issues I needed her to. I’m learning to realize the previous therapist is human and continuing to resent her for my pain is only hurting me. That therapist had been preceded by a therapist who had done the SAME thing and mixed things up even more by befriending me then rejecting me. (Or so it felt.) I have since, with the help of my current therapist, healed many of those wounds and come to a new understanding about relationships. By the time I walked into my new therapist’s office I was distraught and pessimistic about therapists in general. She has made all the difference, though. She has been incredible with creating the right boundaries and safe relationship rules so I can find safety and healing in her office. Recently, I feel like our relationship is changing a bit. Until the last few months it was been very separate. It has always been full of respect, nurturing, challenge, and encouragement but void of any of the therapist’s personal life. I lead a group where I see some of her clients and we have been very careful NOT to discuss them. Lately, some of the boundaries are softening and maybe even starting to shift. Last night we both went to an event where one of her clients / my friend was speaking. My therapist and I aren’t “besties” by any means but there was a bit more connection. She is a wonderful woman and VERY good at her job. I appreciate her as much as anyone EVER in my life. I rely on her to guide me into my self knowledge and confidence. Not generally in a dependent manner but I would definitely be sad if she left my life for any reason. I know I would survive though. And there’s the difference!!!!! When the two previous therapists were removed from my life, I thought I was no longer a valuable person anymore and would rather avoid life all together. When I initially started to feel this “softening” of lines with my current therapist, I completely freaked out! I refused to admit there was any kind of a change and jumped into denial. I did not want to deal with the same situation again. Much of this change though, I have instigated. I am “joining her circle” a bit professionally and am not willing to change my life’s direction to avoid her. (Plus…. Why would I?! That doesn’t make sense. I’m in therapy so I can break free of the control placed on me by other people not just shift the control to my therapist.) And trust me… it’s a very minor shift. I actually wonder if she even knows it’s happening….. but then I remember that she is very good at her job. Hhhhhmmmmmm. It started with a bit more information about her personal life, then maybe a text message when she previously would not have replied, then a story about her daughter. Next, she was offering me some direct and personal encouragement along with re-assuring me that she likes me as a person and enjoys our time together. Last night at the event, she solicited two hugs from me and chatted very casually on the way to our cars. I know this doesn’t sound like much but for me it is! And I wasn’t freaked out! It was perfectly fine and comfortable. (At least for me.) This is healing. This is a complex relationship that is WORKING! My abandonment issues in the past have led me to overly attaching to people. I tend to put people on a pedestal and let them replace God in my life. I have previously looked toward women slightly older than myself for approval and identity. I do not see my therapist in this way, though. I see her as someone I like very much but as completely separate from me. She does not dictate my life, choices, actions or identity. She adds to my life synergistically. I am very thankful to her and celebrate this as a victory in my recovery. No person will ever “complete” me, because I am enough just the way God made me.

Yoga Class?

I’ve had an interesting dialogue of emotions over something that should be fairly simple and benign over the past months. I’m not necessarily worried about it so maybe that means I am operating in Self… or it’s just not an extreme response. I find it amusing. Each time I read the yoga schedule published by a local recovery center, I have a similar thought process… in parts it goes something like this: Pseudo-self: Oh, look, they are having yoga classes! The Dreamer: Oooooo, cool, can we go? That would be so much fun! All that time of loving our body and taking the chance to feel into how great our life is and will be! Pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee! It’s going to be awesome! Yay! Victoria: Let’s see what fits into our schedule. With all the running we are doing we need to be doing yoga. It will be good for injury prevention so we can continue to run. It’s good for developing other muscles and working our arms. Our arms need work. We need to make this fit into our schedule. (Then I look at the schedule and pretty much realize there is only one time that works well for me. I do this at least once a week! It’s as if I believe if I look at the schedule enough times it will change or I will magically see one that works when it didn’t before. The only feasible time is generally a Plus Sized Yoga Class. Thus starts the really interesting dialogue….) People Pleaser: PLUS SIZE!!!! We can’t do that! Logic: But I AM plus sized. Size 14 is technically a plus size and we are a 14 or 16. Amy: Oh my God! I’m still so huge! I’ve been running my ass off for months but it’s not GOING anywhere! I’m such a failure! I have to stop eating so much! I’m so ashamed. This is why we don’t have a boyfriend! People Pleaser: No, I might be plus sized but people don’t see me that way. Remember the woman at Macy’s. She tried to get us to leave the women’s department because she didn’t believe I was a size 14 / 16. Amy: Why is that? WE TOTALLY LOOK BIGGER! Restrict! Restrict! Restrict! Rapunzel: Should we gain some weight? I really liked what The Dreamer said. I want to go too. Angel Baby: But I want to be loved. Amy says that gaining weight is bad because then people don’t want to be around me. People Pleaser: Everyone, you don’t understand! If we go to the class we will be seen the way that Macy’s lady saw us. We will be a TRIGGER and INSULT to the REST of the class, similar to when we are around a bunch of obviously anorexic / underweight people who think they are fat. Don’t you remember, our therapist told us this could happen once, too. They will resent us then internalize their anger and start to feel guilty or ashamed themselves. I would HATE it if we hurt someone else. We CANNOT go! Rapunzel: Oh, I wouldn’t want to do that either! I didn’t know. We want everyone to have a good class and be happy and healthy. The Dreamer: But I still want to go… Victoria: This wouldn’t be good yoga anyway! It will be like the yoga I did in treatment which didn’t have any actual physical improvement or benefit. We will find a more challenging class. Self: We will go if we want to and the time works. It’s like a sit-com in here sometimes! I am actually getting “triggered” by the THOUGHT of a therapy yoga class. However, I want to say… I truly LOVE The Dreamer!!!!