“I had more friends when I hated myself!”
I proclaimed the statement above during an exasperated, confused, rejected moment of my last week. I’ve come a long way on my road to recovery from an eating disorder but now I’m fighting a new demon. My current burdens are related to relationships.

I have a theory (as I usually do) about my current struggles. When I was stuck in my eating disorder, that is all I knew, all I cared for, all I focused on. People were an afterthought. I struggled with relationships while in my eating disorder as well, but I let nothing stand in the way of ED and I. My relationship with ED was the only one I allotted any effort. I was the perfect Juliet, ready to kill myself in order to be with my Romeo (ED).

My eating disorder is now gone and I’m left to face real people. I never learned how to have true adult relationships. My eating disorder started at a young age (sometimes I think as early as two years old). By the time I was 18 it was in full swing; threatening to take my life. My relationship with ED was NOT a healthy, adult relationship. It was dripping with neglect, distain, malice, manipulation and fear.

Now, when faced with the ups, downs, conflict and compromise of real relationships I am at a loss! I’m 29 years old and don’t know how to navigate a safe, balanced friendship. Romantic relationships aren’t even “on the menu.” I learned from an early age to depend on one thing and one thing only! ED was ALL that mattered. ED gave me everything and took everything away. ED was my God. When I banished ED from my life I needed to find a way to fill the hole left behind.

At first, I filled it with activities. Staying busy helped for awhile but in the end left me burnt out and just as empty. I began filling the void with people. People are fun and caring. Relationships are an important part of life. It seemed to work until I found myself in a cycle of disappointment and abandonment, losing one friend after another. I was depending on them too much. I expected my friends to be my everything. The problem with making someone my savior is that people are intrinsically flawed. People will NEVER fill me up.

I am thrilled to be where I am today in recovery from my eating disorder. I have freedom from food, weight and obsessive exercise. I no longer look towards binging, purging or starving to make me feel worthy. I truly love myself. My struggles today are with feelings of loneliness. I believe complete recovery is a journey through many stages of growth. This must be my next phase. I accept the challenge. I look forward to the day I can reflect and say, “I used to struggle with having normal relationships but today I am secure and enjoy healthy relationships with friends, family and myself.” Until that day, I focus on staying present in the moment and learning more about my path to complete recovery.