Birthday

I regret I have not posted to my blog in some time. I apologize to anyone who was reading it.

Yesterday was my birthday and I took today off of work. Many people think this was to "play" but it's been a really hard day.

My anxiety level has been through the roof as one appointment led to the next. First was a visit to the Women's Doctor, something I've literally been avoiding for at least 5 years due to my previous sexual assault. (The appointment wasn't great but I avoided the physical exam for another week so at least I didn't have to deal with that.) Then I did a food experiential with my nutritionist, which is stressful in itself but I had to go to a restaurant that I've never been. I was running late and got lost trying to get there. Then I had an appointment with my therapist, that I was sort of looking forward to because I had lots I needed to talk about but I got derailed. I ran into a close family friend at the office and found out she's seeing MY THERAPIST! I don't like that. I don't want anyone I know to see my therapist. SHE'S MINE! It is this really weird, stressful dynamic. I don't want to hear about my therapist from someone else. I don't want to hear how she's different or has different rules for one person over me.

Now, I still feel sick to my stomach and have a headache from all the stress but I feel like my Birthday weekend is running out and I should be having FUN! I have to go to my terrible job tomorrow and I don't want to! All I want to do is sleep away this pain (physical and emotional) but then I will also sleep away my day!

My little parts (Rapunzel in particular) wants to watch the movie Tangled but I feel silly for that. I also worry it will make the headache worse. Then Victoria feels like we haven't accomplished enough this weekend (which is a lie) so wants me to get up and clean the house (which really DOES need it). Where is my sense of balance? Why can't I just understand what I want to do? I've been like this with food lately too. I have no idea what I want to eat at any given time.

I feel pretty messy right now. I want someone to tell me what to do or take care of me or at least tell me I'm okay!