Living Life

I have recenlty had the strange thought that I don't really want to LIVE my life as much as I want to HAVE LIVED my life. It's a very complex thought.

Last week, I had planned to go to a free concert. I can't think of any reason why I didn't want to go to it but I didn't. I felt trapped in thinking I had to go to this concert. I kept thinking that I would have a good time once I was there but then the thought became, "I'll be happy I went to the concert." I ended up not going. Who wants to do something just to have a memory of it? It's kind of hard to explain....

It's the same kind of thought when it comes to the gym or cleaning. I have the thought that I'll be glad I went afterward. Why do it if I don't enjoy it in the moment?

I want to LIVE my LIFE. I don't want to have a goal to have already done something. I understand things like the gym, cleaning or getting through a big project but not the everyday "fun" things like concerts, reading, etc. What does that say about my life?