Productive Forgetting: Part 4

This is the final blog on Productive Forgetting. To re-cap a bit..... Productive Forgetting is the ability to abandon unproductive ideas and temporarily put aside stubborn problems until new approaches can be considered. I have previously shared my thoughts on how this concept affects my outside world in recovery with containment and denial. My internal world is also affected.

I believe all of my parts work to help the entire system. They do not always have the most current information but they all are attempting to help me in some way. (See www.selfleadership.org for more information on parts.) I think MANY of my parts have known about Productive Forgetting FOREVER. (It makes me wonder if the person who "invented" this term had several parts of his / her own!)

My system at times works very hard and succeeds to keep information from me. I have lost time and will find things I've done which I do not recall. I believe specific parts work to keep this information from me because they do not think I have the skills yet to comprehend what happened. At times I get frustrated when I can't remember certain time frames but I appreciate the care of my parts.

I have parts that "fog" certain memories or ideas so I can only glimpse pieces of them. I have some parts that lock information away so I do not have access to it at all. These protectors feed me only the information they believe I can handle at the time.

I ALSO have parts I WISH I could forget. I wish there was a way to forget the rapes entirely. However, I realize I HAVE done that in the past and found it was not "productive" forgetting. It eventually became unproductive as I had flashbacks and a life threatening eating disorder while suppressing or avoiding these memories.

The crux of the definition of Productive Forgetting is "until new approaches can be considered." I have new approaches and all my parts or memories are welcome. Together we can productively forget as well as productively remember. I am thankful for the work of Richard Schwartz who created IFS. It is through this modality I have been able to safely deal with all my memories and parts. Without IFS, I would not have these new skills to work with the previously forgotten or avoided problems.

Feel free to comment: Do you have parts or memories that have been "Unproductively" Forgotten? Do you think IFS part work could help you deal with them safely?

Productive Forgetting: Part 3

On the flip side of the idea of Productive Forgetting (introduced in my last two blogs), exists DENIAL….

How do we know when productive forgetting moves into denial? I believe the key word of the definition is TEMPORARILY. There is no given time limit in the definition above but biblically we are told not to let the sun go down on our anger (Ephesians 4:26) and to leave a sacrifice at the alter if someone has something against us (Matthew 5:23-24). God wants us to press on (2 Timothy 4:7) but also address our own logs (Matthew 7:3-5). I believe temporary is only the time ABSOLUTELY necessary to complete the task at hand and get to a place where the problem can be resolved.

God has set before us an abundant life if we chose to walk in it. It is hard to believe He wants the best for us when there has been SO much hurt in this world but I believe He wants this for us TODAY. When debating on “productively forgetting” an issue, memory or problem, ask yourself:

Am I avoiding a situation or do I honestly need to gain help, guidance or knowledge before proceeding?

Please share: What are you avoiding? What kind of help do you need?

Productive Forgetting: Part 2

In my last blog I introduced the idea of productive forgetting. The first function productive forgetting plays in my life is to help me contain ideas, memories or problems. Part of my recovery journey has included learning when and how certain topics or facts are appropriate for situations, discussions or activities in my life. I have been hurt in situations where I shared too much or too little.

“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens…”
– Ecclesiastes 3:1

The concept of productive forgetting allows me to contain any unsafe or vulnerable thoughts or ideas until I am able to discuss and process them honestly, safely and openly. By figuratively setting an idea or memory aside (usually in some kind of mental or symbolic container) until I find time to fully explore options and beliefs, I am honoring the parts that need protection as well as the parts that need a voice. I will “hold onto” an emotionally activating thought until I have the correct assistance, skills or tools to address it.

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.”
– Proverbs 18:15

I would love to hear if you use containment in your work with parts? Does it help? What are some of your tricks? Does Productive Forgetting sound like containment work to you?

Productive Forgetting: Part 1

I am a bit of a Doctor Who fan.... for anyone who doesn't know this is an awesome science fiction show. I heard a quote today from Doctor Who. "They forget because they must." The show was speaking of people who were dreaming of the horrors that would take place at the end of the world. No one remembered the dreams because they were too terrible to comprehend.

This quote accompanied by the recent discovery of a combination of words opened a new perspective around my understanding of recovery and part work. In some business research I read the words, "Productive Forgetting."

Productive Forgetting: the ability to abandon unproductive ideas and temporarily put aside stubborn problems until new approaches can be considered.

This phrase is used in business but could be DANGEROUS in recovery! As someone who struggles with processing some of my past hurts and making choices to further my recovery from an eating disorder, I carefully asses my mood and actions in a daily inventory. The concept of Productive Forgetting can work FOR me or AGAINST me!

I believe this phrase plays a role in at least 3 different areas of my life:
Containment
Denial
Exiled Parts

Feel free to comment: I'm curious to know what you think of the concept of Productive Forgetting.

Relationships

I'm so tired of my life! I think the biggest problem is my relationships. I believe the most important part of life is relationships so if they are screwed up.... it makes sense that my life would be screwed up. I feel EXTREMELY overwhelmed with everything. Most of the issues on my list of "too much to deal with" are relational problems. Family and friends are very important to me but I want to walk away from everyone right now! I'm just not sure how much these "loved ones" bring into my life anymore. Maybe I could learn to appreciate them again if I had a break.... I want a vacation from my life! I can't currently think of ONE relationship that is simple and fun.... there is ALWAYS some kind of complication. The problem is, these are the "healthy" relationships in my life. I think it has more to do with me then THEM. I'm just TIRED! I think it's getting to much. I find myself crippled in depression. Have you ever wanted a vacation from your life? What do you do when your relationships are messy?

Little Ones

My little ones are so important to me. They have endured such pain with their young understanding. I feel sorry for them regularly and I appreciate their care givers often. In my system these care givers are a mixture of protectors and firefighters. Every now and then the managers even provide resources to them. The system was designed in service of The Little Ones and other Exiles. Everything we do is to help, protect, comfort and entertain them. I love them DEARLY. Little Ones and Exiles, please hear me. I love you all! I will never leave you. I never WANT to leave you. Sometimes I need a little space though. I have other things I must do in the day and week so we can continue to stay together. You are ALL SOOOOOO important. I NEED your information but I need you to keep hold of it for a few more days. I KNOW how hard that is to do. You shouldn't have to hold on to it EVER. I would like to give you some help if I can. The Monster, The Historian and both Protectors have offered to help carry the load. If you want to temporarily give some of the information to them, they have promised to give it back when we need it and have time to review it with our Therapist's help. She can help and she is dedicated to do so. She said she wouldn't leave us even though other people have. Would you like to share a few things with them now? (They transferred a few pieces of the heavy load. Not everything of any single issue but enough to feel lighter.) Now, let's take a small restful nap before the holidays get too busy with people, energy, traditions, food and requirements. It's okay, just focus on the good in it all. We enjoy Christmas and family. I'm here and if things get "sketchy" we have PLENTY of options. I am an adult now and able to make my own decisions. Sweet dreams! :)

Sleepy

I had a very “PART DRIVEN” experience last night. I felt very dissociated, ashamed and embarrassed. I thought I was past a lot of this. I am shocked by my own system’s ability to control me. I didn’t want them to take over but I had no power to make my own decisions. I started to work with an exiled part during a therapy session. I thought I was getting close but then several other parts must have jumped in. The first thing I remember is a part screaming in my head. I had to concentrate not to start screaming in the office. Then I felt another part. I call the next part, Shutdown, because it LITTERALLY shuts me off like the flip of a switch. I didn’t realize it at the time but my therapist recognized the part. I suddenly felt extremely tired. I could hardly move and couldn’t keep my eyes open. A third part started to panic. I struggled for a minute while trying to gain control back but then I was lost. There was no Self left. I fell asleep (I think). It’s very “fuzzy.” I’m having considerable “fall out” from last night. It was so strange. I remember it like a dream and moments like a nightmare. I find myself dealing with some VERY strong feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’m not sure why. I have levels of shame far greater than ANYTHING that came from sharing my testimony recently in front of approximately 200 people. (WOW! I can tell strangers about the worst moments of my life but I can’t let my therapist see me fall asleep when I’m unable to deal with whatever it was my system was protecting me from.) I don’t even remember the last time I felt this embarrassed and ashamed… it may have been college when I got so drunk that I thought my friend’s desk chair was a toilet. THAT’S TERRIBLE! I think it has something to do with how I felt so extremely unable to control the situation. I felt like I was watching it all play out. I was at the mercy of my parts. That’s frightening. I soooooooooooooooo BADLY want to be OVER IT ALL! I believe this is the sentiment from the whole system. We truly want to heal this and want it to be gone. If that is a collective opinion, why do they all distract and step in when it is time to talk about it? I WANT to do this work but my body (parts) aren’t letting me. I know it “takes as long as it takes.” I respect the work takes time but I don’t feel like I’ve done much work…. This all seems like “pre-work.” My heart breaks for the burden my exiled part continues to endure. I know it is not the exiled part that is trepidatious. I can see her and she is eager for me to be near and hear her but I still can only see her through a fog. I do remember Shutdown telling me something about rest and preparation. He makes a good point. I am thankful for his information. I seem to be hearing that if unburdening the exiled part is a priority then self care must be a priority, at least while doing this work. I don’t hear this as judgment. Obviously, my system can function without the self care. My general distress tolerance has been pushed to the limit lately. I can live my life on “full blast” and ride it out. No worries. However, I cannot keep up this pace AND have what I need to work in this area with this part. It takes time, rest, grieving and reflection (at least that’s what I know today). I believe that is Shutdown’s requirement. This comes as I have been presented with the opportunity to sing with my church’s choir for Christmas…. I don’t want to say no…. but I want a break. I have the urge to drop all my commitments and spend the week curled up in bed with my soft blankets letting myself cry. I’m going to work on rejuvenation this week. I will practice better self care, even if only just a bit more. I want my system to be balanced, peaceful, loved and strong.